repent

you dance over me,
i do not see it.
you sing besides me,
i cannot hear it.
you cry me a river,
i won't thread on it.
you send arrows of famine,
we cannot digest it.
you let's the earth tremble,
we cannot fathom.
you shook the core of the ocean,
we do not realize.
you labour the pain of birth,
we cannot comprehend.
you try to atone us,
we fail to reach the pent.

and you say "it is all done."

Lord I'm amazed by you.

耕耘

我举头仰望，视野无止的扩宽，心境无涯的伸展。
我寻不着思绪的扣引，探不及心渊的底限，踏出的每一伐如墨里寻髪，迷失。

我攀越登嶺，涉及未央的青亩，参透莫及的蓝郁。
我探不及心渊的底限，寻不着思绪的扣引，伸去的每一探如沙里寻盐，窒息。

然而，似苍鹰般锐若，钢般臂胳一举高升，透彻蚕厚错纵乱絮，一股清新如深苁莹露。

深深触动身灵。

我悟及你的领引，诲导，提挽，你的爱无底可触。

种子已经播散萌芽，

神，

助我耕耘。

stupidity

in the beginning everything was quaint and simple. God intended it to be that way, adam and eve in the garden of eden, immaculate and holy.

the seed of wisdom creeps in, and then human fell, from the most honorable and intelligent to the lowest tier of entire earth lifeforms.

my orchid in the balcony tells me, you only want some fresh and cold air, all you need to do is live in the abundant foliage used to surround you, why do you need to reinvent artificial cool breeze that deforest the earth.

the sparrow in the sky chirps to me, you only want a cosy and comfortable place to rest in, why do you need to invade our space and pile up colossus concrete that none of you ever feel warm and secure in it.

the guppy in my lotus pond swims restlessly, you only need sufficient catch that will feeds your family, why do you need to create an enterprise to wipe out our species.

and then the monkey family were crossing their arms, and they say:

oh please, don't even plot us as one of your evolution milestone, we do not believe in evolution and we do not want to be associated with human being. in all the million years of our existence, we have never encountered such a low lifeforms on earth.

my baby came and ask me, the human needs to communicate to each other, all they need to do is walk to each other and talk, why do they need to use the latest iphone 3gs?

the human only need to eat like we do, why do they need to toil so hard fight so hard race so hard prove so hard and end up eating all the super healthy food that eventually cripple them?

the human only wants to feel happy like we do, why do they need to create so much, invent so much, indulge so much, induce so much? why can't they just swing from one branch to another and be as contented as we are?

why do they feel so proud and so happy and so boastful in digging so many graves and traps, and they willingly jump into them.

mom, why are human so ..... stupid.

"for with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." Ecclesiastes 1:18

R I P

received a news early in the morning, MJ passed on. received another news later in the day, FF passed on too, in the same day. in the midst of the world's perils, these news seems to elevate peoples from bottomless pit to a higher emotion level, or just a mere diversion.

many cried, many mourned, multitudes were moved and hysterical. messages were disseminated, RIP RIP and RIP. im wondering at times, how could we ever rest in peace, when there's none to begin with in this fallen world. just take a look around yourself, tell me if you could fathom the true essence of peace.

many proudly proclaimed, they are not worry of death, or it could just a vein utterance of ignorance, without revelation of what lies beyond death. you don't just perish and disintegrate into the earth eco-system and get recycled and simply draw a full stop. there are more, more than you could ever imagine, more than the limited world's comprehension could ever paint any meaningful picture for you.

is a very hard subject i know. it takes a brave heart to face it truthfully, to embrace it with full understanding of the consequences, to enter it with grace.

take a moment to think, to ponder, to be quiet. where are you going when you are here and when you are gone, you should find the answer for yourself, you owe it to yourself, to your love ones. we never have to time to consider this, our life is too interweaned with the entire world, undo all your bondages and face it with clarity.

is not a full stop, is just a comma,

Happy Father's Day

Dad visits me a lot in my dream lately. He shows me the younger days how he hold my hands, how I lie on his belly while watching black and white TV programs. He shows me how I massage his ailing legs, he shows me his contentment, his joy, his fear, his coming and going.

I don't have many fond memories throughout the years, he was never really there, drinks most of the time and I talk to him only when in need of cash. The only time he would be chatty is when he is a bit drunk, I remember disliking that moment, breath full of alcohol. But then again, I was younger then, could not see past his irresponsibility, did not understand that his behavior was shaped by what he learns from past generations, did not understand that his incapability to express his love, did not understand his struggle to bring comfort to our home and upholding his fatherly pride, as perceived normal by the social standard, I did not understand all those things, and therefore I hold grudges.

I let go my guards in his final moments of life, all his wrong doings seems trivial to me. I was surprised that I could chat with him as a normal friend would, I would massage his swelled legs, I would wait by his bed throughout the night, I would have urge to take his place of suffering and let him enjoy the moments, and I know then God has shown me, the true essence of love, what it takes to love someone. I have not cried, not a single tear after dad has gone, not that all this is insignificant, I guess I think he is still very much with me, never really gone.

This weekend is father's day. I was going through dad's stuff after the funeral almost a year ago, I found a father's day card we gave him, with all our picture and some words, I never thought he would keeps it inside his safe and cherishes it all this while, a simple card is his best father's present. I'm crying like a baby now as I'm writing this, I'm telling myself, how arrogant was my heart and never understood a father's love.

Do what you have to do, say what you have to say, you only have 1 father, it doesn't matter how wrong he has been, you are a son a daughter, you are his son his daughter, I urge you to put down your pride and love, love unconditionally.

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage

"What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?"
do you realized that we have become so angry with everything. seemingly righteous rage overwhelm us when trivial event in life irate us.

a car overtook and blocked your on-going path, your body temparature rised 3 degree and you verbalised the filthiest curse complemented with vulgar gestures.....

your peer overtook you in ranking and been remunerated handsomely, unspoken rage swamped your whole being and you feel a nauseous, shameful, and continue to sulk, brewing unspoken grudge.......

and on and on and on....

if we could attach a portable ultrasound garment to our body, we could actually admire the wondrous colours arising and receding fluid orchestrated by our rage and ill-treated emotion, and see how all this forms lumps and poison cells and eventually to our atmost fear, the uncured cancer.

WE HAVE A CHOICE, to be happy, to be contented, to be thankful, to be joyful, to be loved and to love.

make a choice before your body and your emotion cease to love you. and i'm telling that to myself everyday.

tis the season of thanksgiving....

Christmas is stepping in again, all the jolly and cheers, headless chooks throng shopping malls with merry written all over the face, forgetting about economy downturn, forgetting about thrift temporary.

The other end of town there are poker faces walking soulessly, going on with their daily chores, some painstakingly, some with worry written all over, some wondering when is next meal....
There are so many needy hands reaching out to us for a share of warmth and joy, many times we will just walk away, subconsciously assuming they are only a bunch of lazy pretends, but then again, how well do we know about their stories?

I'm committing the same judgmental act, a lot of time have to remind ourselves to not judge the heart by its appearances, giving is unconditional, there won't be any sincerity gauge on their forehead to guide us if we should give or not, hence, just give!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

memoir of my brother

yes, i have cerebral palsy. if you wikipedia it, you get this definition : "Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement."

not long after i was born, mom discovered i have such disorder. i can see the agony and pain in her face, i can tell that at times she is lost in her deep thoughts, mentally tortured by unspoken guilt showered upon her by social perceptions. she would carry me, nurse me, go to many many doctors, sensei, churches, temples, asking for remedies, praying and crying outloud to God almighty, why oh why do you bring a soul to this world to go through all these sufferings.

and then, time goes by. we come in terms with my condition, life goes on. i was placed in a special school meant for spastic kids. I thoroughly enjoy my time there, although is only a short 6 years. I socialize and play with my kind of kids, we play chess, we swim in the pool, we go roadtrips, we rehearse and performed on stage, i had a great time. like in all things, there's an end to everything, but special curriculum comes to an end, i miss the school life dearly, but i have to stay home from now on.

fortunately, i'm enable to take care of myself mostly, i could bath, eat, mobilize myself, watch tv and read minimally. my brothers and sisters go on with their life, busy with their daily activities, they seldom talk to me, as i cannot utter my thoughts verbally. my younger brother will occasionally play boardgames with me, we played by our own rules, what i treasured most is someone is willing to interact and spend time with me.

sometimes i feel very bored and depress. i cannot live life as normal like my siblings. i feel small, very small, like a social outcast that is abandoned by the world, and will eventually evaporised into the air unnoticed. nowsaday i feel my brain is exploding from time to time, excruciating pain pounds and pounds. i have less and less control over my body parts, i am scared, but i have to keep it to myself, not wanting to further burden my mom, who has relentlessly taking care of me.

i have a major seizures today, fell on the floor and foaming on my mouth. i cannot composed myself. i later found out my younger brother have to scoop me up like a baby to carry me to my bed on the first floor. i thought i see a bright shiny light at the far end, i think God is calling me home, very soon. can i have a miracle, can i have a normal body and live life to the fullest. i don't mind a earning a down to earth living, i don't need expensive material possesions, i don't need polished titles, i don't need unsurpass fame, i don't need astounding beauty. God, i just need a normal life, a simple life, like how you've created Adam to be.

i fell on the floor yesteday, i heard a hard and loud noise, and i lost concious. next thing i know is im on the bed, lost control over my entire body, mom sitting by my side and nursing me. i have never seen such sorrow in her eyes before, i really wish i wasn't born at all, why is life have to be so difficult. and then i breathed my last breath.

i'm standing by my family everyday now, blessing them, hoping they will treasure simple things in life, hoping that they remember simple times they have spent with me, and the aroma of simple meals we have enjoyed.

and that was my life, tragic? not really, there is a purpose for everything that has happened in this world, i was here with a purpose too, God knows it very well.