Happy Father's Day

Dad visits me a lot in my dream lately. He shows me the younger days how he hold my hands, how I lie on his belly while watching black and white TV programs. He shows me how I massage his ailing legs, he shows me his contentment, his joy, his fear, his coming and going.

I don't have many fond memories throughout the years, he was never really there, drinks most of the time and I talk to him only when in need of cash. The only time he would be chatty is when he is a bit drunk, I remember disliking that moment, breath full of alcohol. But then again, I was younger then, could not see past his irresponsibility, did not understand that his behavior was shaped by what he learns from past generations, did not understand that his incapability to express his love, did not understand his struggle to bring comfort to our home and upholding his fatherly pride, as perceived normal by the social standard, I did not understand all those things, and therefore I hold grudges.

I let go my guards in his final moments of life, all his wrong doings seems trivial to me. I was surprised that I could chat with him as a normal friend would, I would massage his swelled legs, I would wait by his bed throughout the night, I would have urge to take his place of suffering and let him enjoy the moments, and I know then God has shown me, the true essence of love, what it takes to love someone. I have not cried, not a single tear after dad has gone, not that all this is insignificant, I guess I think he is still very much with me, never really gone.

This weekend is father's day. I was going through dad's stuff after the funeral almost a year ago, I found a father's day card we gave him, with all our picture and some words, I never thought he would keeps it inside his safe and cherishes it all this while, a simple card is his best father's present. I'm crying like a baby now as I'm writing this, I'm telling myself, how arrogant was my heart and never understood a father's love.

Do what you have to do, say what you have to say, you only have 1 father, it doesn't matter how wrong he has been, you are a son a daughter, you are his son his daughter, I urge you to put down your pride and love, love unconditionally.