i remember....

i don't remember a lot of stuffs nowsaday, they say this is the first sign of aging, an inevitable progression in life, sigh. but there are heaps of stuff i remember, it has been engraved in my brain cell and can never be removed, some are cherishable and some are not.

i walked to lunch at klcc pretty often, there's always this man with cerebral palsy sitting on the pavement selling small items like stationery, socks and etc. most of them have the same resemblance, facial expression, spastic body and speech disorder. he looks very much like my brother.

i remember when i was a teen, my brother will write postcards during Christmas, and ask me to send to his teacher Ms Elizabeth from UK who has taught him at the SCASFT centre. and he will wait patiently for weeks to receive a reply, and when he gets it, the joy on his face is like the glorious sunshine after a thunderstorm.

i remember when i was a teen, we don't get to go most places, cos brother's disability has been an inconvenience and burden. and dad doesn't get himself involve in most activities anyway, brother's condition to him is a burden, both mentally and socially.

i remember when he grows older, his condition deteriorate. he sometimes have acute pain in his head, it was unbearable that he would knocked himself on the wall few times, collapsed onto the floor with fits and lie helplessly thereafter. I would scooped him up like a baby and carry him to his bed on the second floor.

i remember one of the afternoon mom called me and told me he has gone to the Lord. i remember i returned home to his body, no tears, no emotion, just a bit numb. i do not know why i reacted that way, perhaps i wasn't ready to accept the fact.

i remember one of the afternoon as i was sitting on his empty bed, tear flows down like monsoon river through the floodgate, unstoppable. i remember the feeling of regret and guilt, of not paying more attention, not giving more.

i remember i told myself to remember to share this, no matter how bad your family is, no matter how dire the situation is, the least you can do is love your family unconditionally, because if everything else fail, they are the one who stand behind you, one way or another.