frail

Dr. K took out the stack of x-ray films, he scan it through quickly under the fluorescent lights. It took like 10 minutes, me and my dad were looking at him, anticipating.
"Do you know what is wrong?" dad broke the silence.
"Looks like it has spread everywhere, what prompted you to have the CAT scan?"
"I started having accute pain near the kidney area, consulted the local hospital...."
"I have to consult the senior specialist about the films, give me 10 minutes."

The air in the consultation room seems to freeze, with our heavy thought trapped in it.
"Why is he taking so long, why can't he tells us if it is a tumor or is something else...." this time mom broke the silence, impatiently.

Dr. K returned. This time talking directly to me in english, the previous conversation was in malay as dad do not understand english.
"Well, we're pretty sure it is tumor that has spread to most part of the body, but with the hospital policy, we'll have an x-ray conference to study it further and reconfirm everything."
"What can we do now and future if the result is confirm?"
"You can't do much now, just wait for us to come back to you. If it is confirm later, we can only try to perform chemotherapy, depending on his body's tolerance level, as he is quite aged...."

Dr K. turned to dad, "Don't worry too much now, we will confirm everything in two weeks, if it is as what we expected, we can go on with the chemotherapy, some people manage to last for 4-6 years...."
what a comforting sentence to a patient, I reckon he should be sent for counseling course.

I felt a bit suffocated in the hospital, hurrilly we left the consultation room, dad was walking slowly ahead of us with his walking stick, i suddenly feel burdened, my heart is tied with 1000 ton of weight.

We zig zag through the after hour traffic on a friday afternoon. i tried my best to fill the air with positive and encouraging statements, he seems positive and okay, made small jokes and we laughed about it. mom was as usual worrisome and interjected negativity.

"Let's stop by the hardware store on the way home, i wanna get some parts for the toilet upstair, i wanna get it fixed, it has been procrastinated for so long." dad insisted with enthusiasm and urgency.

I cannot comprehend what went through his mind, he seems unexpectedly calm about the whole situation. he is a man with few words, we were never really close, somehow i feel the urge to undo my relationship with him in the past, i want to start afresh and right what was wrong.
i see the frailty, i see the fragility, i see the hopelessness in his gaze, or maybe i see to much and assume too much.

God can you give us more time, can you do not test us beyond what we could bear?

I was selfish self centered and never really care,

please give me more time,

please ease his pain,

please.