closure

walking through the morning dew, refreshing and exhilarating....the cool breeze embraces us with enthusiastic tribal dance of the forest.

my fist clenched yours and walk silently forward, not a single word, not a single exchange, the communication flow from the warmth of your palm travels through our tight bond, i can almost feel every single strand of your thoughts swimming towards me, i welcome it with childlike anticipation.

the warmth of the sun showered us in its full glory, i wipe the sweat of your forehead, and then our gazes locked, the atmosphere standstill, and smile painted on our faces seems to carry us further into our exploration.

the chill set me to cough violently, i sit straight up on my back. looking franticly for your clenched fist. i can't feel your heartbeat, i can't find your gaze, the air conditioner noisily sending more chill to me, my arms swim aimlessly in the pitch black, and then my tears breakthrough the floodgate, because i realize i have lost it.

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人　我以为这就是我所追求的世界　然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后　总有残缺

free.........

i see the morning glory unveils, i see the serenity settles.
you leave your legacy all over the place, your signatures on all living beings.

i walked alone on the street, remembering sweet gesture others have bestowed on us, remembering betrayal others have lay upon us, remembering bitterness that seeped to the soul, remembering courages that propelled us, remembering foolishness that stumbled us, all these intertwined and seems overwhelming but yet there's an unexplainable symphony to it.

i see friends char by unfruitful relationships, i see people wails over lost possessions, i see friends turn on each other's back, i see people hopelessly devoted to idols, i see friends worship monogrammed luxury, i see people stand in awe of grand structures, i see friends losing themselves in woven misery....and worst of all, i see myself in all these.

set us free, let us flee to your eternal embrace. pick us from all these direness, from all these colossus structures that will be turned into worthless rubbles. teach us to see with your eyes, teach us to listen with your wisdom, teach us to touch with your hands, teach us to reach-out with your grace.

teach us to hate with your love, teach us to kill with your healing, teach us to lie with your truth, teach us to weep with your joy.

teach us to be on guard, teach us to reap your abandon harvest.

i see your grace all over, i see your love interleaving the hatreds, i see your hands scoping us up, i see your tears washing away the gray.

i see the omnipotent, i see three person that i admired the most, father, son and holy ghost.

please help us to help others to see.

because it is beautiful.

because it is eternal.

conversation with love...

chimagan: i'm distraught.....

love: what's the matter son?

chimagan: i don't understand people in this world, they raised banner of love so high up, they immersed themselves in cocktails of commercial products of made believe love, they parade in so-called agape love and embraced everyone..... and yet.....when it comes to people closest to them, the attitude and intention is otherwise.

love: is common dear, outwardly shown love is deemed to be more glorifying and satisfying, is the fallen nature of the race, most of the time they do not have a clue of what they are doing, but just for the sake of self gratification. my name is been abused and misused to a pathetic state, i'm just waiting for the creator to right the wrong once and for all....

chimagan: why do people like to chase after the wind, chase after the perishables and at the end of the day, they will go back home to search through their deep hollow, and can't seems to find you...

love: shift your focus, don't fret, don't worry about what others do or do not, it is not important. i know you are hurt, hurled, confused and tired, take refuge in the solid rock, the rock that will never shake, place your confident on the right place. do not be a hypocrite to criticise others while you repeat the same mistake, embrace them and change them, bring yourself up to a higher level.

chimagan: is so hard....

love: is a journey, everyone is learning. don't compete with the world and raise your expectation. humble yourself and start with your closest ones, your family. you have to understand the meaning of unconditional, i never promise it will be easy, but you have to unload your burden and stop thinking you could carry it all, you have to share what seems to be unshareable, you have to give what seems to be ungiveable, you have to forgive what seems to be unforgiveable.


chimagan: i will keep walking the journey and reach for the light at the end of the tunnel.

等

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的失措涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
踏出虚拟枷锁是否过于的沉重,
人们将逃避涂绘太多华丽的借口,
然后昏昏沌沌的飘浮于海市蜃楼,
然后不停的提醒自己一切是天诀,
如过窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀,
你是否会去浸受,
或者你只是想远远的离开我心中,
那片绮丽的青葱,
醒来吧,
好吗?

给阿母的一封信

阿母, 辛苦了吧, 这么多年, 你还是孳孳不倦的倾注无止境的溺爱. 少年时的无知往往让步我们错失严母疾言厉色背后的心疼和期望. 你的唠叨往往成为我们叛逆的借口, 青稚的心态只懂得寻求自我享欲, 完全无发理会你的出发点, 完全不去体会你的感受, 我们只懂得所谓青春的权力. 还记得居住于国外日子时, 心里才慢慢的眷恋似是无止的唠叨. 也许人最大的缺点是不知足, 必须等到失去了才能懂得珍惜. 每当回国过节时, 你的心情像似约会久违亲爱的人, 欢欣无发压抑. 有太多的事必须向你学习. 你忘我的付出, 你咬紧牙根的耕耘, 你无休止的呵昈. 你自愿的担架千斤重的儿女债, 可有还清的日子? 世上所谓轰轰烈烈, 至死不逾的情爱, 可否与你所付出的比较, 我想还不及十份一吧? 阿母, 谢谢你 阿母, 我爱你.

ask and you will receive

always thought if you treat someone nice, you will be reciprocated. i have come this far in life, and yet to grasp the true meaning of giving and not expecting a return. i thought it is a very natural expectation as a normal human being, but rather i've learnt it is sometimes otherwise.

there are people who will pour their heart and soul out to help and cherish their love ones, and there are others who will reserve and constraint themselves, i suppose i belong to the former group, always hopelessly devoted once i'm in it.

i guess when you have too much of something you just don't know how to appreciate and cherish it, and take the other party for granted, and often deems the giver's frustration as childish and uncalled for....

sounds like a grumpy old man huh :-) well decided to let it go let it all go, not for the bad side, but rather asking myself not to be overly concerned with unnecessary emotion that i often brought upon myself. be myself and give as much as i want, with or without returns i will still give and move on, life is short and fragile, it is too much hassle to put a emotion price tag to every single thing you give.

do you not agree?

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:8)

april sonata

month of april seems to be my favourite month, that's when you'll experience the full autuum glory in melbourne, that's when our saviour resurrected and testified salvation to the world, and that's when a love conception happened that brought me to this mortal world.

i used to feel depressed when i crossed the 30's benchmark, fretting that all the full glory of my youth is fading away and i will wither like the autuum leaves..... it actually took me months to overcome the depression, silly huh?

as i walked pass the days and looked back, is not all together bad, no one promised us an immaculate life, no one will bestow you with bed of roses everyday. hence i've learnt to cherish moments of life, being good or bad. i've learnt to be content with my possesions, although temptations have such a stronghold, but we'll get by, so long as we constantly and conciously strive to achieve mental and spiritual maturity.

so this is not just another april, but this is yet another april that i will rejoice and cherish, because i was placed at where i am for a purpose, without it, the jigsaw puzzle will be ruined.

寻

越过荒芜回头凝视时,
肩际似乎缺少了思绪,
踏过青葱向前仰望时,
凝间确实丢失了思念,
把步伐放徐,
把心潮放缓,
找着了吗,
看见了吗,
你渴望,
你要,
的,
爱.

reaching a new height....

i never thought i could climb this high, 4,095 metres (13,435 feet) above sea level to be more precise. didn't thought of going to sabah initially, lawlaw was boasting about how great are the scenery, food and etc, one thing led to another, we stepped onto the borneo island.

it wasn't a pleasant ascend, weather was bad and was raining non-stop, by the time we reach the designated rest point, we were soaking wet and cold and tired. slept for about 6 hours, dragged ourself up at 2am to continue our second half of the climb to the peak. pitch dark, cold, short of breath, sleepy, tired, grumpy....the guide was pushing us hard, saying that we got to pick up our pace, else we'll miss the sunrise at the peak, at the state we were in, we just wanna take our own sweet time and kept wishing for helicopter to scope us up...

we reach the peak just in time to witness the first light breaking through the cloud, we stood in awe and forgot all our exhaustion. Suddenly all the pain, sore, tiredness and fatigue seems so trivial compared to the sight before us.....is worth it.

i remember....

i don't remember a lot of stuffs nowsaday, they say this is the first sign of aging, an inevitable progression in life, sigh. but there are heaps of stuff i remember, it has been engraved in my brain cell and can never be removed, some are cherishable and some are not.

i walked to lunch at klcc pretty often, there's always this man with cerebral palsy sitting on the pavement selling small items like stationery, socks and etc. most of them have the same resemblance, facial expression, spastic body and speech disorder. he looks very much like my brother.

i remember when i was a teen, my brother will write postcards during Christmas, and ask me to send to his teacher Ms Elizabeth from UK who has taught him at the SCASFT centre. and he will wait patiently for weeks to receive a reply, and when he gets it, the joy on his face is like the glorious sunshine after a thunderstorm.

i remember when i was a teen, we don't get to go most places, cos brother's disability has been an inconvenience and burden. and dad doesn't get himself involve in most activities anyway, brother's condition to him is a burden, both mentally and socially.

i remember when he grows older, his condition deteriorate. he sometimes have acute pain in his head, it was unbearable that he would knocked himself on the wall few times, collapsed onto the floor with fits and lie helplessly thereafter. I would scooped him up like a baby and carry him to his bed on the second floor.

i remember one of the afternoon mom called me and told me he has gone to the Lord. i remember i returned home to his body, no tears, no emotion, just a bit numb. i do not know why i reacted that way, perhaps i wasn't ready to accept the fact.

i remember one of the afternoon as i was sitting on his empty bed, tear flows down like monsoon river through the floodgate, unstoppable. i remember the feeling of regret and guilt, of not paying more attention, not giving more.

i remember i told myself to remember to share this, no matter how bad your family is, no matter how dire the situation is, the least you can do is love your family unconditionally, because if everything else fail, they are the one who stand behind you, one way or another.

Jehovah Jireh!

what desparate world we lives in, we choose to believe in pure coincidents for our blessings and curses, and totally ignore the great divine that put us in the world...



"I see the morning glory, It winds upon the tree, It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be

You saw the universe, Caught up in desperate dreams, You came and changed the ending, Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution, You left your legacy, Embraced the struggle, in the face of mortality, I know I'm not alone in this, Help me believe

I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer, Beautiful Grace
Help me to see, Everything fall into place, Wake me from dreaming, No more deceiving, Break these chains

It's still the same old story, This great divide, Between the want and waste, And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today, Now I'm trying to find my place, I'm just a single voice, What can i do to erase

All this misunderstanding, All this anarchy, Six degrees of separation, Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this, I need to believe" *

*beautiful verses from "Free", Corrine May.

Picture: Mount Cook from freeway, New Zealand. 2001

cinta...

didn't think much about this movie when i first looked at the poster. lawlaw looked at the poster, with his animated enthusiasm written all over his face and declared, "i wanna watch this..." hence, we watched it.

when the film reeled for the first few minutes, we felt like watching some beautifully produced commercials to sell love. aren't we all love beautiful stuff, it somehow captured our attentions. there are some sincere moment that is quite captivating, well, at least it touched me. the movie was beautifully interweaved with numbers of nice song, which make it even more charming.

im not sure if watching it with someone special to you will make a difference, since the theme is about love. i used to be romantic, somehow as we grow older the heart is clouded with too many stuff and we forgot to indulge in love.

forget about your head knowledge, forget about how industry has criticized about local films, just watch it as though you have fallen in love for the very first time, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

愛する

1) love is when you wake up in the middle of the nite, tears flowing down your cheeks, and you suddenly smell that familiar scent........
2) love is when you stare at that ccb* eyes, you wanted so much to smack his face but yet you smack yours....
3) love is when you stare at your mobile phone for one hour on your birthday, not receiving anything from him, and yet you told yourself "....must be busy....knn*...ccb*....@#$!@#......."

4) love is after reading 1,2,3, your tummy is fill with tons of nauseant, you throw out your past three days meals, you groan and curse "gross gross gross...", you rested your forehead on your palm for 10 minutes, and you whisper to yourself quietly "gosh....how i miss those time......"

and God says in John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

*refers to hokkien dialect abbreviated terms.

Picture: Royal Botanical Garden, Melbourne. 2002

questionable relationship...

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
......like never........

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
.......until the day when we truely appreciate what love is........

what can you see?

"when you gaze into the emptiness, you'll find fullness". kinda silly, you'd think, sounds like an empty statement people made up just to hide his thought when he is deep into it.

not sure when I thought of the statement, perhaps it is true, was in so many deep thoughts and can't redeem myself, when others asked me about it, that is the best statement to camouflage my feeling.

human mind is too complex for its own good. or maybe we've used it for way too many wrong reasons, instead of being fruitful and beneficial :-)

Picture: Can't remember which lookout point :-), New Zealand South Island, 2001