i remember....

i don't remember a lot of stuffs nowsaday, they say this is the first sign of aging, an inevitable progression in life, sigh. but there are heaps of stuff i remember, it has been engraved in my brain cell and can never be removed, some are cherishable and some are not.

i walked to lunch at klcc pretty often, there's always this man with cerebral palsy sitting on the pavement selling small items like stationery, socks and etc. most of them have the same resemblance, facial expression, spastic body and speech disorder. he looks very much like my brother.

i remember when i was a teen, my brother will write postcards during Christmas, and ask me to send to his teacher Ms Elizabeth from UK who has taught him at the SCASFT centre. and he will wait patiently for weeks to receive a reply, and when he gets it, the joy on his face is like the glorious sunshine after a thunderstorm.

i remember when i was a teen, we don't get to go most places, cos brother's disability has been an inconvenience and burden. and dad doesn't get himself involve in most activities anyway, brother's condition to him is a burden, both mentally and socially.

i remember when he grows older, his condition deteriorate. he sometimes have acute pain in his head, it was unbearable that he would knocked himself on the wall few times, collapsed onto the floor with fits and lie helplessly thereafter. I would scooped him up like a baby and carry him to his bed on the second floor.

i remember one of the afternoon mom called me and told me he has gone to the Lord. i remember i returned home to his body, no tears, no emotion, just a bit numb. i do not know why i reacted that way, perhaps i wasn't ready to accept the fact.

i remember one of the afternoon as i was sitting on his empty bed, tear flows down like monsoon river through the floodgate, unstoppable. i remember the feeling of regret and guilt, of not paying more attention, not giving more.

i remember i told myself to remember to share this, no matter how bad your family is, no matter how dire the situation is, the least you can do is love your family unconditionally, because if everything else fail, they are the one who stand behind you, one way or another.

Jehovah Jireh!

what desparate world we lives in, we choose to believe in pure coincidents for our blessings and curses, and totally ignore the great divine that put us in the world...



"I see the morning glory, It winds upon the tree, It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be

You saw the universe, Caught up in desperate dreams, You came and changed the ending, Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution, You left your legacy, Embraced the struggle, in the face of mortality, I know I'm not alone in this, Help me believe

I can be free from this place
Beautiful Healer, Beautiful Grace
Help me to see, Everything fall into place, Wake me from dreaming, No more deceiving, Break these chains

It's still the same old story, This great divide, Between the want and waste, And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today, Now I'm trying to find my place, I'm just a single voice, What can i do to erase

All this misunderstanding, All this anarchy, Six degrees of separation, Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this, I need to believe" *

*beautiful verses from "Free", Corrine May.

Picture: Mount Cook from freeway, New Zealand. 2001

cinta...

didn't think much about this movie when i first looked at the poster. lawlaw looked at the poster, with his animated enthusiasm written all over his face and declared, "i wanna watch this..." hence, we watched it.

when the film reeled for the first few minutes, we felt like watching some beautifully produced commercials to sell love. aren't we all love beautiful stuff, it somehow captured our attentions. there are some sincere moment that is quite captivating, well, at least it touched me. the movie was beautifully interweaved with numbers of nice song, which make it even more charming.

im not sure if watching it with someone special to you will make a difference, since the theme is about love. i used to be romantic, somehow as we grow older the heart is clouded with too many stuff and we forgot to indulge in love.

forget about your head knowledge, forget about how industry has criticized about local films, just watch it as though you have fallen in love for the very first time, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

愛する

1) love is when you wake up in the middle of the nite, tears flowing down your cheeks, and you suddenly smell that familiar scent........
2) love is when you stare at that ccb* eyes, you wanted so much to smack his face but yet you smack yours....
3) love is when you stare at your mobile phone for one hour on your birthday, not receiving anything from him, and yet you told yourself "....must be busy....knn*...ccb*....@#$!@#......."

4) love is after reading 1,2,3, your tummy is fill with tons of nauseant, you throw out your past three days meals, you groan and curse "gross gross gross...", you rested your forehead on your palm for 10 minutes, and you whisper to yourself quietly "gosh....how i miss those time......"

and God says in John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

*refers to hokkien dialect abbreviated terms.

Picture: Royal Botanical Garden, Melbourne. 2002

questionable relationship...

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
......like never........

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
.......until the day when we truely appreciate what love is........

what can you see?

"when you gaze into the emptiness, you'll find fullness". kinda silly, you'd think, sounds like an empty statement people made up just to hide his thought when he is deep into it.

not sure when I thought of the statement, perhaps it is true, was in so many deep thoughts and can't redeem myself, when others asked me about it, that is the best statement to camouflage my feeling.

human mind is too complex for its own good. or maybe we've used it for way too many wrong reasons, instead of being fruitful and beneficial :-)

Picture: Can't remember which lookout point :-), New Zealand South Island, 2001