R I P

received a news early in the morning, MJ passed on. received another news later in the day, FF passed on too, in the same day. in the midst of the world's perils, these news seems to elevate peoples from bottomless pit to a higher emotion level, or just a mere diversion.

many cried, many mourned, multitudes were moved and hysterical. messages were disseminated, RIP RIP and RIP. im wondering at times, how could we ever rest in peace, when there's none to begin with in this fallen world. just take a look around yourself, tell me if you could fathom the true essence of peace.

many proudly proclaimed, they are not worry of death, or it could just a vein utterance of ignorance, without revelation of what lies beyond death. you don't just perish and disintegrate into the earth eco-system and get recycled and simply draw a full stop. there are more, more than you could ever imagine, more than the limited world's comprehension could ever paint any meaningful picture for you.

is a very hard subject i know. it takes a brave heart to face it truthfully, to embrace it with full understanding of the consequences, to enter it with grace.

take a moment to think, to ponder, to be quiet. where are you going when you are here and when you are gone, you should find the answer for yourself, you owe it to yourself, to your love ones. we never have to time to consider this, our life is too interweaned with the entire world, undo all your bondages and face it with clarity.

is not a full stop, is just a comma,

Happy Father's Day

Dad visits me a lot in my dream lately. He shows me the younger days how he hold my hands, how I lie on his belly while watching black and white TV programs. He shows me how I massage his ailing legs, he shows me his contentment, his joy, his fear, his coming and going.

I don't have many fond memories throughout the years, he was never really there, drinks most of the time and I talk to him only when in need of cash. The only time he would be chatty is when he is a bit drunk, I remember disliking that moment, breath full of alcohol. But then again, I was younger then, could not see past his irresponsibility, did not understand that his behavior was shaped by what he learns from past generations, did not understand that his incapability to express his love, did not understand his struggle to bring comfort to our home and upholding his fatherly pride, as perceived normal by the social standard, I did not understand all those things, and therefore I hold grudges.

I let go my guards in his final moments of life, all his wrong doings seems trivial to me. I was surprised that I could chat with him as a normal friend would, I would massage his swelled legs, I would wait by his bed throughout the night, I would have urge to take his place of suffering and let him enjoy the moments, and I know then God has shown me, the true essence of love, what it takes to love someone. I have not cried, not a single tear after dad has gone, not that all this is insignificant, I guess I think he is still very much with me, never really gone.

This weekend is father's day. I was going through dad's stuff after the funeral almost a year ago, I found a father's day card we gave him, with all our picture and some words, I never thought he would keeps it inside his safe and cherishes it all this while, a simple card is his best father's present. I'm crying like a baby now as I'm writing this, I'm telling myself, how arrogant was my heart and never understood a father's love.

Do what you have to do, say what you have to say, you only have 1 father, it doesn't matter how wrong he has been, you are a son a daughter, you are his son his daughter, I urge you to put down your pride and love, love unconditionally.

等， 到了。。。。

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的呵爱涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀寄望,
你浸受了吗,
那片绮丽青葱盛发遥远的承诺,
你感受了吗,
我在你耳后轻轻的呼吸，
我在你心中深深的抚搓，
请将它们小心翼翼的包裹，
让我们一起栽种于心田里，
一起成长。

have i?

went out for a belated birthday lunch with colleagues the other day, one of them suddenly popped a question, "what's your birthday wish?". my mind went blank, yeah what's my birthday wish?

i search and i don't know, too many of them or none? i have too many wishes i suppose. i wish God wind the clock back to the 80s, let my dad drink fewer glasses, led a healthier lifestyle and be healthy now, i wish my brother was born a normal child that my mom don't have to care for him selflessly for 37 years without rest and complains, i wish my mom have an easier life and don't have to worry and toil every minute, i wish i could do more, anything more to ease to cheer and just to see more smile on the wrinkled face.

use to hear people say, "is my birthday, should buy something to reward myself". i used to think the same, on second thought, what have i done that is so great that need to be rewarded. have i help a crippled cross the road, have i washed a paralyzed man in the old folks home, have i sang lullaby to a kid in the orphanage, have i bring joy to a fragile old woman who sells tissue papers on the street, have i washed away the tears of widow who lost her child, have i console my sister when she is lonely, have i hug my dad when he is scared, have i obey my mom when she needed me the most, have i cherish and love my partner as i've vowed to do, have i?

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' matthew 25:40

epiphany

have you ever sat down in a crowded place, suddenly an epiphany strikes you, all the noises faded and you felt you were the only one in the world. come to think of it, it wasn't even an epiphany, it was just the scary reality of life, it grips you like an anaconda that is ready to devour every inch of your mortal shell.

was flying back to kl today, read about disappearing ice caps of kilimanjaro, dying corals at the great barrier reef, raising sea level that will submerge venice and so on..... at a normal day, all these news fail to ripple the dead sea of our heart. but when you are in the mid air, thinking of the possibility of crash and die, the reality of the end of time suddenly being magnify 100 times and you shiver from your core.

you suddenly search chapters of your life and see if you could find any significants that will justify your existence in the world, or in whatever realms that you believe you will enter when you take your last breath. we became so indifference, every misfortune and bad elements in life are honey coated with made believed happiness, LV wrapped joy, ecstasy filled enjoyment, donald trump endorsed success.

why am i whining? i'm not sure, maybe i'm just tired.

you tell me.

年年有今朝

年纪较轻时会期倚新年，尤其是在墨尔本的那几年，对家人会有莫明的思念。最近两年长居国内，方知对家里付出太少。

对今年的春节完全没有欣喜的感觉，也未必是年长了，只是太多事情发生了。妹妹的婚礼算是唯一的欣慰吧, 老一辈的说是冲喜，也蛮开心，只是有点不舍得。

今年的团年饭吃得有点伤感，少了妹妹，加上爸胃口差，扒了两口饭就停了下来。爸患了重病后进出医院多次，大家都很累，我们唯一的心愿是想他安享晚年，少点痛楚，有时候像是走到了尽头，有不甘心放弃。有时候累时会询问神，为何让我们负此担子，我想他有他的理由吧，毕竟世上有更悲惨的事，我不应该如此悲观。

如果你问我有何新年愿望，希望父母身体安康，精神愉快。神啊请赐我力量与安祥去带领他们。

loneStaR STatE

been in austin for 2 weeks now, hmmm 2 more to go.

the first few days was unbearable, central america is not much of a fun, couple with the fact that i have no friends here, as compared to bay area.

is a different kind of experience, i will work till 7-8pm almost everyday (unheard of for me while in KL /bay area hehe), drive around to scout for new restaurant which i have not tried, go back to hotel to chat on msn, tune to tbs and watch sex and the city, will& grace and frasier....and will snooze off in no time. the same routine almost everyday, exciting ha.....

perhaps this stillness and serenity is much needed in my life now, give me time to rest, recuperate, recharge and reignite. no party to goto, no new acquaintance, and yes, no sex....my friends keep asking me "met anyone? done anything fun?"... hmmmm guess i'm just lazy and prefer to have fun with myself.

i use to tell people i can be alone and do stuff on my own, they don't believe me. guess i can testify to that now.

well i'm not alone anyway, cos HE is always with me, omnipotent, omnipresent.

cos im standing on solid rock, all other ground is sinking sand, get it dude? :-)

手放开

我望着映幕欣赏他人营造的幸福
似梦如幻的甜蜜缳绕着乏味空间
你对我说你爱上了另一空间的人
横冲直撞惶惶忽忽迷失了真自我
你说有些人你永远不必等不必问
我说爱是雾般时而清新时而短暫
有人寻觅而获狂欢然后知足定然
有人寻觅而失黯然失色封闭沉失
圣杰说感情像候車月台人走人來
得后不定然幸福失后不一定悲凄
世界如此辽阔而能让二人逢相知
何必执執着非要随心所欲的幸福
你说事非如此简然能轻易的放弃
我说事非如此繁杂甭忧甭悲甭怒
既能搭上班车随而相遇相知相交
珍惜赐缘短促生际当享当欢当行

closure

walking through the morning dew, refreshing and exhilarating....the cool breeze embraces us with enthusiastic tribal dance of the forest.

my fist clenched yours and walk silently forward, not a single word, not a single exchange, the communication flow from the warmth of your palm travels through our tight bond, i can almost feel every single strand of your thoughts swimming towards me, i welcome it with childlike anticipation.

the warmth of the sun showered us in its full glory, i wipe the sweat of your forehead, and then our gazes locked, the atmosphere standstill, and smile painted on our faces seems to carry us further into our exploration.

the chill set me to cough violently, i sit straight up on my back. looking franticly for your clenched fist. i can't feel your heartbeat, i can't find your gaze, the air conditioner noisily sending more chill to me, my arms swim aimlessly in the pitch black, and then my tears breakthrough the floodgate, because i realize i have lost it.

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人　我以为这就是我所追求的世界　然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后　总有残缺

等

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的失措涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
踏出虚拟枷锁是否过于的沉重,
人们将逃避涂绘太多华丽的借口,
然后昏昏沌沌的飘浮于海市蜃楼,
然后不停的提醒自己一切是天诀,
如过窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀,
你是否会去浸受,
或者你只是想远远的离开我心中,
那片绮丽的青葱,
醒来吧,
好吗?

ask and you will receive

always thought if you treat someone nice, you will be reciprocated. i have come this far in life, and yet to grasp the true meaning of giving and not expecting a return. i thought it is a very natural expectation as a normal human being, but rather i've learnt it is sometimes otherwise.

there are people who will pour their heart and soul out to help and cherish their love ones, and there are others who will reserve and constraint themselves, i suppose i belong to the former group, always hopelessly devoted once i'm in it.

i guess when you have too much of something you just don't know how to appreciate and cherish it, and take the other party for granted, and often deems the giver's frustration as childish and uncalled for....

sounds like a grumpy old man huh :-) well decided to let it go let it all go, not for the bad side, but rather asking myself not to be overly concerned with unnecessary emotion that i often brought upon myself. be myself and give as much as i want, with or without returns i will still give and move on, life is short and fragile, it is too much hassle to put a emotion price tag to every single thing you give.

do you not agree?

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:8)

april sonata

month of april seems to be my favourite month, that's when you'll experience the full autuum glory in melbourne, that's when our saviour resurrected and testified salvation to the world, and that's when a love conception happened that brought me to this mortal world.

i used to feel depressed when i crossed the 30's benchmark, fretting that all the full glory of my youth is fading away and i will wither like the autuum leaves..... it actually took me months to overcome the depression, silly huh?

as i walked pass the days and looked back, is not all together bad, no one promised us an immaculate life, no one will bestow you with bed of roses everyday. hence i've learnt to cherish moments of life, being good or bad. i've learnt to be content with my possesions, although temptations have such a stronghold, but we'll get by, so long as we constantly and conciously strive to achieve mental and spiritual maturity.

so this is not just another april, but this is yet another april that i will rejoice and cherish, because i was placed at where i am for a purpose, without it, the jigsaw puzzle will be ruined.

寻

越过荒芜回头凝视时,
肩际似乎缺少了思绪,
踏过青葱向前仰望时,
凝间确实丢失了思念,
把步伐放徐,
把心潮放缓,
找着了吗,
看见了吗,
你渴望,
你要,
的,
爱.

愛する

1) love is when you wake up in the middle of the nite, tears flowing down your cheeks, and you suddenly smell that familiar scent........
2) love is when you stare at that ccb* eyes, you wanted so much to smack his face but yet you smack yours....
3) love is when you stare at your mobile phone for one hour on your birthday, not receiving anything from him, and yet you told yourself "....must be busy....knn*...ccb*....@#$!@#......."

4) love is after reading 1,2,3, your tummy is fill with tons of nauseant, you throw out your past three days meals, you groan and curse "gross gross gross...", you rested your forehead on your palm for 10 minutes, and you whisper to yourself quietly "gosh....how i miss those time......"

and God says in John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

*refers to hokkien dialect abbreviated terms.

Picture: Royal Botanical Garden, Melbourne. 2002

questionable relationship...

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
......like never........

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
.......until the day when we truely appreciate what love is........

what can you see?

"when you gaze into the emptiness, you'll find fullness". kinda silly, you'd think, sounds like an empty statement people made up just to hide his thought when he is deep into it.

not sure when I thought of the statement, perhaps it is true, was in so many deep thoughts and can't redeem myself, when others asked me about it, that is the best statement to camouflage my feeling.

human mind is too complex for its own good. or maybe we've used it for way too many wrong reasons, instead of being fruitful and beneficial :-)

Picture: Can't remember which lookout point :-), New Zealand South Island, 2001