tis the season of thanksgiving....

Christmas is stepping in again, all the jolly and cheers, headless chooks throng shopping malls with merry written all over the face, forgetting about economy downturn, forgetting about thrift temporary.

The other end of town there are poker faces walking soulessly, going on with their daily chores, some painstakingly, some with worry written all over, some wondering when is next meal....
There are so many needy hands reaching out to us for a share of warmth and joy, many times we will just walk away, subconsciously assuming they are only a bunch of lazy pretends, but then again, how well do we know about their stories?

I'm committing the same judgmental act, a lot of time have to remind ourselves to not judge the heart by its appearances, giving is unconditional, there won't be any sincerity gauge on their forehead to guide us if we should give or not, hence, just give!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

memoir of my brother

yes, i have cerebral palsy. if you wikipedia it, you get this definition : "Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement."

not long after i was born, mom discovered i have such disorder. i can see the agony and pain in her face, i can tell that at times she is lost in her deep thoughts, mentally tortured by unspoken guilt showered upon her by social perceptions. she would carry me, nurse me, go to many many doctors, sensei, churches, temples, asking for remedies, praying and crying outloud to God almighty, why oh why do you bring a soul to this world to go through all these sufferings.

and then, time goes by. we come in terms with my condition, life goes on. i was placed in a special school meant for spastic kids. I thoroughly enjoy my time there, although is only a short 6 years. I socialize and play with my kind of kids, we play chess, we swim in the pool, we go roadtrips, we rehearse and performed on stage, i had a great time. like in all things, there's an end to everything, but special curriculum comes to an end, i miss the school life dearly, but i have to stay home from now on.

fortunately, i'm enable to take care of myself mostly, i could bath, eat, mobilize myself, watch tv and read minimally. my brothers and sisters go on with their life, busy with their daily activities, they seldom talk to me, as i cannot utter my thoughts verbally. my younger brother will occasionally play boardgames with me, we played by our own rules, what i treasured most is someone is willing to interact and spend time with me.

sometimes i feel very bored and depress. i cannot live life as normal like my siblings. i feel small, very small, like a social outcast that is abandoned by the world, and will eventually evaporised into the air unnoticed. nowsaday i feel my brain is exploding from time to time, excruciating pain pounds and pounds. i have less and less control over my body parts, i am scared, but i have to keep it to myself, not wanting to further burden my mom, who has relentlessly taking care of me.

i have a major seizures today, fell on the floor and foaming on my mouth. i cannot composed myself. i later found out my younger brother have to scoop me up like a baby to carry me to my bed on the first floor. i thought i see a bright shiny light at the far end, i think God is calling me home, very soon. can i have a miracle, can i have a normal body and live life to the fullest. i don't mind a earning a down to earth living, i don't need expensive material possesions, i don't need polished titles, i don't need unsurpass fame, i don't need astounding beauty. God, i just need a normal life, a simple life, like how you've created Adam to be.

i fell on the floor yesteday, i heard a hard and loud noise, and i lost concious. next thing i know is im on the bed, lost control over my entire body, mom sitting by my side and nursing me. i have never seen such sorrow in her eyes before, i really wish i wasn't born at all, why is life have to be so difficult. and then i breathed my last breath.

i'm standing by my family everyday now, blessing them, hoping they will treasure simple things in life, hoping that they remember simple times they have spent with me, and the aroma of simple meals we have enjoyed.

and that was my life, tragic? not really, there is a purpose for everything that has happened in this world, i was here with a purpose too, God knows it very well.

rested in peace......

he was wearing oxygen mask gasping for air,
occasionally using both hands to pound his weary legs on the hard hospital bed,
occasionally glance at me with unspeakable pains painted all over his face and almost in tears.

do you know how unbearable it was for me to wait by the bed and reaching out to help, to ease, to calm, i cannot fathom the extend of your suffering, i cannot fathom the depth of your fear, all i can do is frantically massaging you, whisper comforting words to you, wishing all these could at least calm your spirit and you could have some peaceful rest, but to no avail.

and then in the morning you breathed for the very last time, leaving 5 weary souls in tears, mourning for the lost that is to quick for any of us to settle in. and then we washed you, clothed you, prayed for you, and sent your mortal shell to be rested in peace, God, have mercy on his soul and carry him into your kingdom of eternal life, abundance joy.

we miss you dearly, bad time, good time, sad time, trying time, joyful time, all the times.

尘归尘，土归土，身卒魂尤在，安息吧。

lose my soul

is ok, don't worry too much about it, everyone does it, hence you reckon is fine to...

indulge in lust filled enjoyment,
explore untapped power of the unknown realm in the air,
utter meaningless vulgarities to express your frust,
inhaling "uplifting" substance to enter the trance,
mutilating your mortal shell in the name of vanity,
cover your shame with layers of catwalk produce to trade envied stares,
sway in deafening and dreamy ambience,
live life to the fullest non apologetic to anything.

and what i reckon is......

i don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul.

等， 到了。。。。

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的呵爱涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀寄望,
你浸受了吗,
那片绮丽青葱盛发遥远的承诺,
你感受了吗,
我在你耳后轻轻的呼吸，
我在你心中深深的抚搓，
请将它们小心翼翼的包裹，
让我们一起栽种于心田里，
一起成长。

have i?

went out for a belated birthday lunch with colleagues the other day, one of them suddenly popped a question, "what's your birthday wish?". my mind went blank, yeah what's my birthday wish?

i search and i don't know, too many of them or none? i have too many wishes i suppose. i wish God wind the clock back to the 80s, let my dad drink fewer glasses, led a healthier lifestyle and be healthy now, i wish my brother was born a normal child that my mom don't have to care for him selflessly for 37 years without rest and complains, i wish my mom have an easier life and don't have to worry and toil every minute, i wish i could do more, anything more to ease to cheer and just to see more smile on the wrinkled face.

use to hear people say, "is my birthday, should buy something to reward myself". i used to think the same, on second thought, what have i done that is so great that need to be rewarded. have i help a crippled cross the road, have i washed a paralyzed man in the old folks home, have i sang lullaby to a kid in the orphanage, have i bring joy to a fragile old woman who sells tissue papers on the street, have i washed away the tears of widow who lost her child, have i console my sister when she is lonely, have i hug my dad when he is scared, have i obey my mom when she needed me the most, have i cherish and love my partner as i've vowed to do, have i?

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' matthew 25:40

epiphany

have you ever sat down in a crowded place, suddenly an epiphany strikes you, all the noises faded and you felt you were the only one in the world. come to think of it, it wasn't even an epiphany, it was just the scary reality of life, it grips you like an anaconda that is ready to devour every inch of your mortal shell.

was flying back to kl today, read about disappearing ice caps of kilimanjaro, dying corals at the great barrier reef, raising sea level that will submerge venice and so on..... at a normal day, all these news fail to ripple the dead sea of our heart. but when you are in the mid air, thinking of the possibility of crash and die, the reality of the end of time suddenly being magnify 100 times and you shiver from your core.

you suddenly search chapters of your life and see if you could find any significants that will justify your existence in the world, or in whatever realms that you believe you will enter when you take your last breath. we became so indifference, every misfortune and bad elements in life are honey coated with made believed happiness, LV wrapped joy, ecstasy filled enjoyment, donald trump endorsed success.

why am i whining? i'm not sure, maybe i'm just tired.

you tell me.

年年有今朝

年纪较轻时会期倚新年，尤其是在墨尔本的那几年，对家人会有莫明的思念。最近两年长居国内，方知对家里付出太少。

对今年的春节完全没有欣喜的感觉，也未必是年长了，只是太多事情发生了。妹妹的婚礼算是唯一的欣慰吧, 老一辈的说是冲喜，也蛮开心，只是有点不舍得。

今年的团年饭吃得有点伤感，少了妹妹，加上爸胃口差，扒了两口饭就停了下来。爸患了重病后进出医院多次，大家都很累，我们唯一的心愿是想他安享晚年，少点痛楚，有时候像是走到了尽头，有不甘心放弃。有时候累时会询问神，为何让我们负此担子，我想他有他的理由吧，毕竟世上有更悲惨的事，我不应该如此悲观。

如果你问我有何新年愿望，希望父母身体安康，精神愉快。神啊请赐我力量与安祥去带领他们。

whats your new year's revelation?

7When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" 8I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.

and i look at the hungry mouths to be fed, but worry about what's my dinner going to be, and i look at the tormented child dying of fatal disease, but worry about my acne scars on the face.

9When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. 10They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?" 11Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed.

and we carelessly utter worthless babbler to Him, but hope to be heard and delivered, and we collect our blessings store and lock in the dungeon of our life, but do not share the love.

12I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, 13and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. 14The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place.

and we watch man made catastrophe as if it is course of nature, but not able to fathom things to come, and we live in comfort thinking world will takes care of itself, but fail to comprehend the word.

15Then the kings of the earth, the princes, the generals, the rich, the mighty, and every slave and every free man hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. 16They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! 17For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?"

and we marvel and stand in awe of mortal figures that compromise our believe, but cannot see signs right before our eyes.

so what's your new year's revelations? are you still too caught up with earning first million of your life, climbing the highest peak in the world, driving the fastest wheels, buying the latest fashion labels on piece on garment manufacture in a deprived nation?

when will we ever learn?