memoir of my brother

yes, i have cerebral palsy. if you wikipedia it, you get this definition : "Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement."

not long after i was born, mom discovered i have such disorder. i can see the agony and pain in her face, i can tell that at times she is lost in her deep thoughts, mentally tortured by unspoken guilt showered upon her by social perceptions. she would carry me, nurse me, go to many many doctors, sensei, churches, temples, asking for remedies, praying and crying outloud to God almighty, why oh why do you bring a soul to this world to go through all these sufferings.

and then, time goes by. we come in terms with my condition, life goes on. i was placed in a special school meant for spastic kids. I thoroughly enjoy my time there, although is only a short 6 years. I socialize and play with my kind of kids, we play chess, we swim in the pool, we go roadtrips, we rehearse and performed on stage, i had a great time. like in all things, there's an end to everything, but special curriculum comes to an end, i miss the school life dearly, but i have to stay home from now on.

fortunately, i'm enable to take care of myself mostly, i could bath, eat, mobilize myself, watch tv and read minimally. my brothers and sisters go on with their life, busy with their daily activities, they seldom talk to me, as i cannot utter my thoughts verbally. my younger brother will occasionally play boardgames with me, we played by our own rules, what i treasured most is someone is willing to interact and spend time with me.

sometimes i feel very bored and depress. i cannot live life as normal like my siblings. i feel small, very small, like a social outcast that is abandoned by the world, and will eventually evaporised into the air unnoticed. nowsaday i feel my brain is exploding from time to time, excruciating pain pounds and pounds. i have less and less control over my body parts, i am scared, but i have to keep it to myself, not wanting to further burden my mom, who has relentlessly taking care of me.

i have a major seizures today, fell on the floor and foaming on my mouth. i cannot composed myself. i later found out my younger brother have to scoop me up like a baby to carry me to my bed on the first floor. i thought i see a bright shiny light at the far end, i think God is calling me home, very soon. can i have a miracle, can i have a normal body and live life to the fullest. i don't mind a earning a down to earth living, i don't need expensive material possesions, i don't need polished titles, i don't need unsurpass fame, i don't need astounding beauty. God, i just need a normal life, a simple life, like how you've created Adam to be.

i fell on the floor yesteday, i heard a hard and loud noise, and i lost concious. next thing i know is im on the bed, lost control over my entire body, mom sitting by my side and nursing me. i have never seen such sorrow in her eyes before, i really wish i wasn't born at all, why is life have to be so difficult. and then i breathed my last breath.

i'm standing by my family everyday now, blessing them, hoping they will treasure simple things in life, hoping that they remember simple times they have spent with me, and the aroma of simple meals we have enjoyed.

and that was my life, tragic? not really, there is a purpose for everything that has happened in this world, i was here with a purpose too, God knows it very well.

rested in peace......

he was wearing oxygen mask gasping for air,
occasionally using both hands to pound his weary legs on the hard hospital bed,
occasionally glance at me with unspeakable pains painted all over his face and almost in tears.

do you know how unbearable it was for me to wait by the bed and reaching out to help, to ease, to calm, i cannot fathom the extend of your suffering, i cannot fathom the depth of your fear, all i can do is frantically massaging you, whisper comforting words to you, wishing all these could at least calm your spirit and you could have some peaceful rest, but to no avail.

and then in the morning you breathed for the very last time, leaving 5 weary souls in tears, mourning for the lost that is to quick for any of us to settle in. and then we washed you, clothed you, prayed for you, and sent your mortal shell to be rested in peace, God, have mercy on his soul and carry him into your kingdom of eternal life, abundance joy.

we miss you dearly, bad time, good time, sad time, trying time, joyful time, all the times.

尘归尘，土归土，身卒魂尤在，安息吧。

marriage

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

watching sister walking down the aisle, wasn't as easy as i've thought.
i'm fighting back tears in my eyes, well, was tears of joy not of grief.

I've seen her blossomed from a mischievous young tot to a mature and confident woman.
we've fought, wrestled, cried, laughed, shared for all those years, it has never occurred
to me i will lose her to another man, hahaha......

went back home this weekend, the first weekend without sis coming home, the quietness and
stillness seems unbearable, i know mom and dad missed her too, their lil princess.

well you're my lil princess too, will give you all the world if you ask me, warmest blessing
from me, brave it and live your new life to the fullest!

love ya.

frail

Dr. K took out the stack of x-ray films, he scan it through quickly under the fluorescent lights. It took like 10 minutes, me and my dad were looking at him, anticipating.
"Do you know what is wrong?" dad broke the silence.
"Looks like it has spread everywhere, what prompted you to have the CAT scan?"
"I started having accute pain near the kidney area, consulted the local hospital...."
"I have to consult the senior specialist about the films, give me 10 minutes."

The air in the consultation room seems to freeze, with our heavy thought trapped in it.
"Why is he taking so long, why can't he tells us if it is a tumor or is something else...." this time mom broke the silence, impatiently.

Dr. K returned. This time talking directly to me in english, the previous conversation was in malay as dad do not understand english.
"Well, we're pretty sure it is tumor that has spread to most part of the body, but with the hospital policy, we'll have an x-ray conference to study it further and reconfirm everything."
"What can we do now and future if the result is confirm?"
"You can't do much now, just wait for us to come back to you. If it is confirm later, we can only try to perform chemotherapy, depending on his body's tolerance level, as he is quite aged...."

Dr K. turned to dad, "Don't worry too much now, we will confirm everything in two weeks, if it is as what we expected, we can go on with the chemotherapy, some people manage to last for 4-6 years...."
what a comforting sentence to a patient, I reckon he should be sent for counseling course.

I felt a bit suffocated in the hospital, hurrilly we left the consultation room, dad was walking slowly ahead of us with his walking stick, i suddenly feel burdened, my heart is tied with 1000 ton of weight.

We zig zag through the after hour traffic on a friday afternoon. i tried my best to fill the air with positive and encouraging statements, he seems positive and okay, made small jokes and we laughed about it. mom was as usual worrisome and interjected negativity.

"Let's stop by the hardware store on the way home, i wanna get some parts for the toilet upstair, i wanna get it fixed, it has been procrastinated for so long." dad insisted with enthusiasm and urgency.

I cannot comprehend what went through his mind, he seems unexpectedly calm about the whole situation. he is a man with few words, we were never really close, somehow i feel the urge to undo my relationship with him in the past, i want to start afresh and right what was wrong.
i see the frailty, i see the fragility, i see the hopelessness in his gaze, or maybe i see to much and assume too much.

God can you give us more time, can you do not test us beyond what we could bear?

I was selfish self centered and never really care,

please give me more time,

please ease his pain,

please.

给阿母的一封信

阿母, 辛苦了吧, 这么多年, 你还是孳孳不倦的倾注无止境的溺爱. 少年时的无知往往让步我们错失严母疾言厉色背后的心疼和期望. 你的唠叨往往成为我们叛逆的借口, 青稚的心态只懂得寻求自我享欲, 完全无发理会你的出发点, 完全不去体会你的感受, 我们只懂得所谓青春的权力. 还记得居住于国外日子时, 心里才慢慢的眷恋似是无止的唠叨. 也许人最大的缺点是不知足, 必须等到失去了才能懂得珍惜. 每当回国过节时, 你的心情像似约会久违亲爱的人, 欢欣无发压抑. 有太多的事必须向你学习. 你忘我的付出, 你咬紧牙根的耕耘, 你无休止的呵昈. 你自愿的担架千斤重的儿女债, 可有还清的日子? 世上所谓轰轰烈烈, 至死不逾的情爱, 可否与你所付出的比较, 我想还不及十份一吧? 阿母, 谢谢你 阿母, 我爱你.

i remember....

i don't remember a lot of stuffs nowsaday, they say this is the first sign of aging, an inevitable progression in life, sigh. but there are heaps of stuff i remember, it has been engraved in my brain cell and can never be removed, some are cherishable and some are not.

i walked to lunch at klcc pretty often, there's always this man with cerebral palsy sitting on the pavement selling small items like stationery, socks and etc. most of them have the same resemblance, facial expression, spastic body and speech disorder. he looks very much like my brother.

i remember when i was a teen, my brother will write postcards during Christmas, and ask me to send to his teacher Ms Elizabeth from UK who has taught him at the SCASFT centre. and he will wait patiently for weeks to receive a reply, and when he gets it, the joy on his face is like the glorious sunshine after a thunderstorm.

i remember when i was a teen, we don't get to go most places, cos brother's disability has been an inconvenience and burden. and dad doesn't get himself involve in most activities anyway, brother's condition to him is a burden, both mentally and socially.

i remember when he grows older, his condition deteriorate. he sometimes have acute pain in his head, it was unbearable that he would knocked himself on the wall few times, collapsed onto the floor with fits and lie helplessly thereafter. I would scooped him up like a baby and carry him to his bed on the second floor.

i remember one of the afternoon mom called me and told me he has gone to the Lord. i remember i returned home to his body, no tears, no emotion, just a bit numb. i do not know why i reacted that way, perhaps i wasn't ready to accept the fact.

i remember one of the afternoon as i was sitting on his empty bed, tear flows down like monsoon river through the floodgate, unstoppable. i remember the feeling of regret and guilt, of not paying more attention, not giving more.

i remember i told myself to remember to share this, no matter how bad your family is, no matter how dire the situation is, the least you can do is love your family unconditionally, because if everything else fail, they are the one who stand behind you, one way or another.