marriage

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

watching sister walking down the aisle, wasn't as easy as i've thought.
i'm fighting back tears in my eyes, well, was tears of joy not of grief.

I've seen her blossomed from a mischievous young tot to a mature and confident woman.
we've fought, wrestled, cried, laughed, shared for all those years, it has never occurred
to me i will lose her to another man, hahaha......

went back home this weekend, the first weekend without sis coming home, the quietness and
stillness seems unbearable, i know mom and dad missed her too, their lil princess.

well you're my lil princess too, will give you all the world if you ask me, warmest blessing
from me, brave it and live your new life to the fullest!

love ya.

loneStaR STatE

been in austin for 2 weeks now, hmmm 2 more to go.

the first few days was unbearable, central america is not much of a fun, couple with the fact that i have no friends here, as compared to bay area.

is a different kind of experience, i will work till 7-8pm almost everyday (unheard of for me while in KL /bay area hehe), drive around to scout for new restaurant which i have not tried, go back to hotel to chat on msn, tune to tbs and watch sex and the city, will& grace and frasier....and will snooze off in no time. the same routine almost everyday, exciting ha.....

perhaps this stillness and serenity is much needed in my life now, give me time to rest, recuperate, recharge and reignite. no party to goto, no new acquaintance, and yes, no sex....my friends keep asking me "met anyone? done anything fun?"... hmmmm guess i'm just lazy and prefer to have fun with myself.

i use to tell people i can be alone and do stuff on my own, they don't believe me. guess i can testify to that now.

well i'm not alone anyway, cos HE is always with me, omnipotent, omnipresent.

cos im standing on solid rock, all other ground is sinking sand, get it dude? :-)

frail

Dr. K took out the stack of x-ray films, he scan it through quickly under the fluorescent lights. It took like 10 minutes, me and my dad were looking at him, anticipating.
"Do you know what is wrong?" dad broke the silence.
"Looks like it has spread everywhere, what prompted you to have the CAT scan?"
"I started having accute pain near the kidney area, consulted the local hospital...."
"I have to consult the senior specialist about the films, give me 10 minutes."

The air in the consultation room seems to freeze, with our heavy thought trapped in it.
"Why is he taking so long, why can't he tells us if it is a tumor or is something else...." this time mom broke the silence, impatiently.

Dr. K returned. This time talking directly to me in english, the previous conversation was in malay as dad do not understand english.
"Well, we're pretty sure it is tumor that has spread to most part of the body, but with the hospital policy, we'll have an x-ray conference to study it further and reconfirm everything."
"What can we do now and future if the result is confirm?"
"You can't do much now, just wait for us to come back to you. If it is confirm later, we can only try to perform chemotherapy, depending on his body's tolerance level, as he is quite aged...."

Dr K. turned to dad, "Don't worry too much now, we will confirm everything in two weeks, if it is as what we expected, we can go on with the chemotherapy, some people manage to last for 4-6 years...."
what a comforting sentence to a patient, I reckon he should be sent for counseling course.

I felt a bit suffocated in the hospital, hurrilly we left the consultation room, dad was walking slowly ahead of us with his walking stick, i suddenly feel burdened, my heart is tied with 1000 ton of weight.

We zig zag through the after hour traffic on a friday afternoon. i tried my best to fill the air with positive and encouraging statements, he seems positive and okay, made small jokes and we laughed about it. mom was as usual worrisome and interjected negativity.

"Let's stop by the hardware store on the way home, i wanna get some parts for the toilet upstair, i wanna get it fixed, it has been procrastinated for so long." dad insisted with enthusiasm and urgency.

I cannot comprehend what went through his mind, he seems unexpectedly calm about the whole situation. he is a man with few words, we were never really close, somehow i feel the urge to undo my relationship with him in the past, i want to start afresh and right what was wrong.
i see the frailty, i see the fragility, i see the hopelessness in his gaze, or maybe i see to much and assume too much.

God can you give us more time, can you do not test us beyond what we could bear?

I was selfish self centered and never really care,

please give me more time,

please ease his pain,

please.

手放开

我望着映幕欣赏他人营造的幸福
似梦如幻的甜蜜缳绕着乏味空间
你对我说你爱上了另一空间的人
横冲直撞惶惶忽忽迷失了真自我
你说有些人你永远不必等不必问
我说爱是雾般时而清新时而短暫
有人寻觅而获狂欢然后知足定然
有人寻觅而失黯然失色封闭沉失
圣杰说感情像候車月台人走人來
得后不定然幸福失后不一定悲凄
世界如此辽阔而能让二人逢相知
何必执執着非要随心所欲的幸福
你说事非如此简然能轻易的放弃
我说事非如此繁杂甭忧甭悲甭怒
既能搭上班车随而相遇相知相交
珍惜赐缘短促生际当享当欢当行

closure

walking through the morning dew, refreshing and exhilarating....the cool breeze embraces us with enthusiastic tribal dance of the forest.

my fist clenched yours and walk silently forward, not a single word, not a single exchange, the communication flow from the warmth of your palm travels through our tight bond, i can almost feel every single strand of your thoughts swimming towards me, i welcome it with childlike anticipation.

the warmth of the sun showered us in its full glory, i wipe the sweat of your forehead, and then our gazes locked, the atmosphere standstill, and smile painted on our faces seems to carry us further into our exploration.

the chill set me to cough violently, i sit straight up on my back. looking franticly for your clenched fist. i can't feel your heartbeat, i can't find your gaze, the air conditioner noisily sending more chill to me, my arms swim aimlessly in the pitch black, and then my tears breakthrough the floodgate, because i realize i have lost it.

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人　我以为这就是我所追求的世界　然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后　总有残缺

free.........

i see the morning glory unveils, i see the serenity settles.
you leave your legacy all over the place, your signatures on all living beings.

i walked alone on the street, remembering sweet gesture others have bestowed on us, remembering betrayal others have lay upon us, remembering bitterness that seeped to the soul, remembering courages that propelled us, remembering foolishness that stumbled us, all these intertwined and seems overwhelming but yet there's an unexplainable symphony to it.

i see friends char by unfruitful relationships, i see people wails over lost possessions, i see friends turn on each other's back, i see people hopelessly devoted to idols, i see friends worship monogrammed luxury, i see people stand in awe of grand structures, i see friends losing themselves in woven misery....and worst of all, i see myself in all these.

set us free, let us flee to your eternal embrace. pick us from all these direness, from all these colossus structures that will be turned into worthless rubbles. teach us to see with your eyes, teach us to listen with your wisdom, teach us to touch with your hands, teach us to reach-out with your grace.

teach us to hate with your love, teach us to kill with your healing, teach us to lie with your truth, teach us to weep with your joy.

teach us to be on guard, teach us to reap your abandon harvest.

i see your grace all over, i see your love interleaving the hatreds, i see your hands scoping us up, i see your tears washing away the gray.

i see the omnipotent, i see three person that i admired the most, father, son and holy ghost.

please help us to help others to see.

because it is beautiful.

because it is eternal.

conversation with love...

chimagan: i'm distraught.....

love: what's the matter son?

chimagan: i don't understand people in this world, they raised banner of love so high up, they immersed themselves in cocktails of commercial products of made believe love, they parade in so-called agape love and embraced everyone..... and yet.....when it comes to people closest to them, the attitude and intention is otherwise.

love: is common dear, outwardly shown love is deemed to be more glorifying and satisfying, is the fallen nature of the race, most of the time they do not have a clue of what they are doing, but just for the sake of self gratification. my name is been abused and misused to a pathetic state, i'm just waiting for the creator to right the wrong once and for all....

chimagan: why do people like to chase after the wind, chase after the perishables and at the end of the day, they will go back home to search through their deep hollow, and can't seems to find you...

love: shift your focus, don't fret, don't worry about what others do or do not, it is not important. i know you are hurt, hurled, confused and tired, take refuge in the solid rock, the rock that will never shake, place your confident on the right place. do not be a hypocrite to criticise others while you repeat the same mistake, embrace them and change them, bring yourself up to a higher level.

chimagan: is so hard....

love: is a journey, everyone is learning. don't compete with the world and raise your expectation. humble yourself and start with your closest ones, your family. you have to understand the meaning of unconditional, i never promise it will be easy, but you have to unload your burden and stop thinking you could carry it all, you have to share what seems to be unshareable, you have to give what seems to be ungiveable, you have to forgive what seems to be unforgiveable.


chimagan: i will keep walking the journey and reach for the light at the end of the tunnel.

等

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的失措涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
踏出虚拟枷锁是否过于的沉重,
人们将逃避涂绘太多华丽的借口,
然后昏昏沌沌的飘浮于海市蜃楼,
然后不停的提醒自己一切是天诀,
如过窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀,
你是否会去浸受,
或者你只是想远远的离开我心中,
那片绮丽的青葱,
醒来吧,
好吗?

给阿母的一封信

阿母, 辛苦了吧, 这么多年, 你还是孳孳不倦的倾注无止境的溺爱. 少年时的无知往往让步我们错失严母疾言厉色背后的心疼和期望. 你的唠叨往往成为我们叛逆的借口, 青稚的心态只懂得寻求自我享欲, 完全无发理会你的出发点, 完全不去体会你的感受, 我们只懂得所谓青春的权力. 还记得居住于国外日子时, 心里才慢慢的眷恋似是无止的唠叨. 也许人最大的缺点是不知足, 必须等到失去了才能懂得珍惜. 每当回国过节时, 你的心情像似约会久违亲爱的人, 欢欣无发压抑. 有太多的事必须向你学习. 你忘我的付出, 你咬紧牙根的耕耘, 你无休止的呵昈. 你自愿的担架千斤重的儿女债, 可有还清的日子? 世上所谓轰轰烈烈, 至死不逾的情爱, 可否与你所付出的比较, 我想还不及十份一吧? 阿母, 谢谢你 阿母, 我爱你.

ask and you will receive

always thought if you treat someone nice, you will be reciprocated. i have come this far in life, and yet to grasp the true meaning of giving and not expecting a return. i thought it is a very natural expectation as a normal human being, but rather i've learnt it is sometimes otherwise.

there are people who will pour their heart and soul out to help and cherish their love ones, and there are others who will reserve and constraint themselves, i suppose i belong to the former group, always hopelessly devoted once i'm in it.

i guess when you have too much of something you just don't know how to appreciate and cherish it, and take the other party for granted, and often deems the giver's frustration as childish and uncalled for....

sounds like a grumpy old man huh :-) well decided to let it go let it all go, not for the bad side, but rather asking myself not to be overly concerned with unnecessary emotion that i often brought upon myself. be myself and give as much as i want, with or without returns i will still give and move on, life is short and fragile, it is too much hassle to put a emotion price tag to every single thing you give.

do you not agree?

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:8)

april sonata

month of april seems to be my favourite month, that's when you'll experience the full autuum glory in melbourne, that's when our saviour resurrected and testified salvation to the world, and that's when a love conception happened that brought me to this mortal world.

i used to feel depressed when i crossed the 30's benchmark, fretting that all the full glory of my youth is fading away and i will wither like the autuum leaves..... it actually took me months to overcome the depression, silly huh?

as i walked pass the days and looked back, is not all together bad, no one promised us an immaculate life, no one will bestow you with bed of roses everyday. hence i've learnt to cherish moments of life, being good or bad. i've learnt to be content with my possesions, although temptations have such a stronghold, but we'll get by, so long as we constantly and conciously strive to achieve mental and spiritual maturity.

so this is not just another april, but this is yet another april that i will rejoice and cherish, because i was placed at where i am for a purpose, without it, the jigsaw puzzle will be ruined.

寻

越过荒芜回头凝视时,
肩际似乎缺少了思绪,
踏过青葱向前仰望时,
凝间确实丢失了思念,
把步伐放徐,
把心潮放缓,
找着了吗,
看见了吗,
你渴望,
你要,
的,
爱.

reaching a new height....

i never thought i could climb this high, 4,095 metres (13,435 feet) above sea level to be more precise. didn't thought of going to sabah initially, lawlaw was boasting about how great are the scenery, food and etc, one thing led to another, we stepped onto the borneo island.

it wasn't a pleasant ascend, weather was bad and was raining non-stop, by the time we reach the designated rest point, we were soaking wet and cold and tired. slept for about 6 hours, dragged ourself up at 2am to continue our second half of the climb to the peak. pitch dark, cold, short of breath, sleepy, tired, grumpy....the guide was pushing us hard, saying that we got to pick up our pace, else we'll miss the sunrise at the peak, at the state we were in, we just wanna take our own sweet time and kept wishing for helicopter to scope us up...

we reach the peak just in time to witness the first light breaking through the cloud, we stood in awe and forgot all our exhaustion. Suddenly all the pain, sore, tiredness and fatigue seems so trivial compared to the sight before us.....is worth it.