memoir of my brother

yes, i have cerebral palsy. if you wikipedia it, you get this definition : "Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement."

not long after i was born, mom discovered i have such disorder. i can see the agony and pain in her face, i can tell that at times she is lost in her deep thoughts, mentally tortured by unspoken guilt showered upon her by social perceptions. she would carry me, nurse me, go to many many doctors, sensei, churches, temples, asking for remedies, praying and crying outloud to God almighty, why oh why do you bring a soul to this world to go through all these sufferings.

and then, time goes by. we come in terms with my condition, life goes on. i was placed in a special school meant for spastic kids. I thoroughly enjoy my time there, although is only a short 6 years. I socialize and play with my kind of kids, we play chess, we swim in the pool, we go roadtrips, we rehearse and performed on stage, i had a great time. like in all things, there's an end to everything, but special curriculum comes to an end, i miss the school life dearly, but i have to stay home from now on.

fortunately, i'm enable to take care of myself mostly, i could bath, eat, mobilize myself, watch tv and read minimally. my brothers and sisters go on with their life, busy with their daily activities, they seldom talk to me, as i cannot utter my thoughts verbally. my younger brother will occasionally play boardgames with me, we played by our own rules, what i treasured most is someone is willing to interact and spend time with me.

sometimes i feel very bored and depress. i cannot live life as normal like my siblings. i feel small, very small, like a social outcast that is abandoned by the world, and will eventually evaporised into the air unnoticed. nowsaday i feel my brain is exploding from time to time, excruciating pain pounds and pounds. i have less and less control over my body parts, i am scared, but i have to keep it to myself, not wanting to further burden my mom, who has relentlessly taking care of me.

i have a major seizures today, fell on the floor and foaming on my mouth. i cannot composed myself. i later found out my younger brother have to scoop me up like a baby to carry me to my bed on the first floor. i thought i see a bright shiny light at the far end, i think God is calling me home, very soon. can i have a miracle, can i have a normal body and live life to the fullest. i don't mind a earning a down to earth living, i don't need expensive material possesions, i don't need polished titles, i don't need unsurpass fame, i don't need astounding beauty. God, i just need a normal life, a simple life, like how you've created Adam to be.

i fell on the floor yesteday, i heard a hard and loud noise, and i lost concious. next thing i know is im on the bed, lost control over my entire body, mom sitting by my side and nursing me. i have never seen such sorrow in her eyes before, i really wish i wasn't born at all, why is life have to be so difficult. and then i breathed my last breath.

i'm standing by my family everyday now, blessing them, hoping they will treasure simple things in life, hoping that they remember simple times they have spent with me, and the aroma of simple meals we have enjoyed.

and that was my life, tragic? not really, there is a purpose for everything that has happened in this world, i was here with a purpose too, God knows it very well.