tis the season of thanksgiving....

Christmas is stepping in again, all the jolly and cheers, headless chooks throng shopping malls with merry written all over the face, forgetting about economy downturn, forgetting about thrift temporary.

The other end of town there are poker faces walking soulessly, going on with their daily chores, some painstakingly, some with worry written all over, some wondering when is next meal....
There are so many needy hands reaching out to us for a share of warmth and joy, many times we will just walk away, subconsciously assuming they are only a bunch of lazy pretends, but then again, how well do we know about their stories?

I'm committing the same judgmental act, a lot of time have to remind ourselves to not judge the heart by its appearances, giving is unconditional, there won't be any sincerity gauge on their forehead to guide us if we should give or not, hence, just give!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

memoir of my brother

yes, i have cerebral palsy. if you wikipedia it, you get this definition : "Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement."

not long after i was born, mom discovered i have such disorder. i can see the agony and pain in her face, i can tell that at times she is lost in her deep thoughts, mentally tortured by unspoken guilt showered upon her by social perceptions. she would carry me, nurse me, go to many many doctors, sensei, churches, temples, asking for remedies, praying and crying outloud to God almighty, why oh why do you bring a soul to this world to go through all these sufferings.

and then, time goes by. we come in terms with my condition, life goes on. i was placed in a special school meant for spastic kids. I thoroughly enjoy my time there, although is only a short 6 years. I socialize and play with my kind of kids, we play chess, we swim in the pool, we go roadtrips, we rehearse and performed on stage, i had a great time. like in all things, there's an end to everything, but special curriculum comes to an end, i miss the school life dearly, but i have to stay home from now on.

fortunately, i'm enable to take care of myself mostly, i could bath, eat, mobilize myself, watch tv and read minimally. my brothers and sisters go on with their life, busy with their daily activities, they seldom talk to me, as i cannot utter my thoughts verbally. my younger brother will occasionally play boardgames with me, we played by our own rules, what i treasured most is someone is willing to interact and spend time with me.

sometimes i feel very bored and depress. i cannot live life as normal like my siblings. i feel small, very small, like a social outcast that is abandoned by the world, and will eventually evaporised into the air unnoticed. nowsaday i feel my brain is exploding from time to time, excruciating pain pounds and pounds. i have less and less control over my body parts, i am scared, but i have to keep it to myself, not wanting to further burden my mom, who has relentlessly taking care of me.

i have a major seizures today, fell on the floor and foaming on my mouth. i cannot composed myself. i later found out my younger brother have to scoop me up like a baby to carry me to my bed on the first floor. i thought i see a bright shiny light at the far end, i think God is calling me home, very soon. can i have a miracle, can i have a normal body and live life to the fullest. i don't mind a earning a down to earth living, i don't need expensive material possesions, i don't need polished titles, i don't need unsurpass fame, i don't need astounding beauty. God, i just need a normal life, a simple life, like how you've created Adam to be.

i fell on the floor yesteday, i heard a hard and loud noise, and i lost concious. next thing i know is im on the bed, lost control over my entire body, mom sitting by my side and nursing me. i have never seen such sorrow in her eyes before, i really wish i wasn't born at all, why is life have to be so difficult. and then i breathed my last breath.

i'm standing by my family everyday now, blessing them, hoping they will treasure simple things in life, hoping that they remember simple times they have spent with me, and the aroma of simple meals we have enjoyed.

and that was my life, tragic? not really, there is a purpose for everything that has happened in this world, i was here with a purpose too, God knows it very well.

rested in peace......

he was wearing oxygen mask gasping for air,
occasionally using both hands to pound his weary legs on the hard hospital bed,
occasionally glance at me with unspeakable pains painted all over his face and almost in tears.

do you know how unbearable it was for me to wait by the bed and reaching out to help, to ease, to calm, i cannot fathom the extend of your suffering, i cannot fathom the depth of your fear, all i can do is frantically massaging you, whisper comforting words to you, wishing all these could at least calm your spirit and you could have some peaceful rest, but to no avail.

and then in the morning you breathed for the very last time, leaving 5 weary souls in tears, mourning for the lost that is to quick for any of us to settle in. and then we washed you, clothed you, prayed for you, and sent your mortal shell to be rested in peace, God, have mercy on his soul and carry him into your kingdom of eternal life, abundance joy.

we miss you dearly, bad time, good time, sad time, trying time, joyful time, all the times.

尘归尘，土归土，身卒魂尤在，安息吧。

lose my soul

is ok, don't worry too much about it, everyone does it, hence you reckon is fine to...

indulge in lust filled enjoyment,
explore untapped power of the unknown realm in the air,
utter meaningless vulgarities to express your frust,
inhaling "uplifting" substance to enter the trance,
mutilating your mortal shell in the name of vanity,
cover your shame with layers of catwalk produce to trade envied stares,
sway in deafening and dreamy ambience,
live life to the fullest non apologetic to anything.

and what i reckon is......

i don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul.

等， 到了。。。。

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的呵爱涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀寄望,
你浸受了吗,
那片绮丽青葱盛发遥远的承诺,
你感受了吗,
我在你耳后轻轻的呼吸，
我在你心中深深的抚搓，
请将它们小心翼翼的包裹，
让我们一起栽种于心田里，
一起成长。

have i?

went out for a belated birthday lunch with colleagues the other day, one of them suddenly popped a question, "what's your birthday wish?". my mind went blank, yeah what's my birthday wish?

i search and i don't know, too many of them or none? i have too many wishes i suppose. i wish God wind the clock back to the 80s, let my dad drink fewer glasses, led a healthier lifestyle and be healthy now, i wish my brother was born a normal child that my mom don't have to care for him selflessly for 37 years without rest and complains, i wish my mom have an easier life and don't have to worry and toil every minute, i wish i could do more, anything more to ease to cheer and just to see more smile on the wrinkled face.

use to hear people say, "is my birthday, should buy something to reward myself". i used to think the same, on second thought, what have i done that is so great that need to be rewarded. have i help a crippled cross the road, have i washed a paralyzed man in the old folks home, have i sang lullaby to a kid in the orphanage, have i bring joy to a fragile old woman who sells tissue papers on the street, have i washed away the tears of widow who lost her child, have i console my sister when she is lonely, have i hug my dad when he is scared, have i obey my mom when she needed me the most, have i cherish and love my partner as i've vowed to do, have i?

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' matthew 25:40

epiphany

have you ever sat down in a crowded place, suddenly an epiphany strikes you, all the noises faded and you felt you were the only one in the world. come to think of it, it wasn't even an epiphany, it was just the scary reality of life, it grips you like an anaconda that is ready to devour every inch of your mortal shell.

was flying back to kl today, read about disappearing ice caps of kilimanjaro, dying corals at the great barrier reef, raising sea level that will submerge venice and so on..... at a normal day, all these news fail to ripple the dead sea of our heart. but when you are in the mid air, thinking of the possibility of crash and die, the reality of the end of time suddenly being magnify 100 times and you shiver from your core.

you suddenly search chapters of your life and see if you could find any significants that will justify your existence in the world, or in whatever realms that you believe you will enter when you take your last breath. we became so indifference, every misfortune and bad elements in life are honey coated with made believed happiness, LV wrapped joy, ecstasy filled enjoyment, donald trump endorsed success.

why am i whining? i'm not sure, maybe i'm just tired.

you tell me.

年年有今朝

年纪较轻时会期倚新年，尤其是在墨尔本的那几年，对家人会有莫明的思念。最近两年长居国内，方知对家里付出太少。

对今年的春节完全没有欣喜的感觉，也未必是年长了，只是太多事情发生了。妹妹的婚礼算是唯一的欣慰吧, 老一辈的说是冲喜，也蛮开心，只是有点不舍得。

今年的团年饭吃得有点伤感，少了妹妹，加上爸胃口差，扒了两口饭就停了下来。爸患了重病后进出医院多次，大家都很累，我们唯一的心愿是想他安享晚年，少点痛楚，有时候像是走到了尽头，有不甘心放弃。有时候累时会询问神，为何让我们负此担子，我想他有他的理由吧，毕竟世上有更悲惨的事，我不应该如此悲观。

如果你问我有何新年愿望，希望父母身体安康，精神愉快。神啊请赐我力量与安祥去带领他们。

whats your new year's revelation?

7When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" 8I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.

and i look at the hungry mouths to be fed, but worry about what's my dinner going to be, and i look at the tormented child dying of fatal disease, but worry about my acne scars on the face.

9When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. 10They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?" 11Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to wait a little longer, until the number of their fellow servants and brothers who were to be killed as they had been was completed.

and we carelessly utter worthless babbler to Him, but hope to be heard and delivered, and we collect our blessings store and lock in the dungeon of our life, but do not share the love.

12I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, 13and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. 14The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place.

and we watch man made catastrophe as if it is course of nature, but not able to fathom things to come, and we live in comfort thinking world will takes care of itself, but fail to comprehend the word.

15Then the kings of the earth, the princes, the generals, the rich, the mighty, and every slave and every free man hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. 16They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! 17For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?"

and we marvel and stand in awe of mortal figures that compromise our believe, but cannot see signs right before our eyes.

so what's your new year's revelations? are you still too caught up with earning first million of your life, climbing the highest peak in the world, driving the fastest wheels, buying the latest fashion labels on piece on garment manufacture in a deprived nation?

when will we ever learn?

marriage

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

watching sister walking down the aisle, wasn't as easy as i've thought.
i'm fighting back tears in my eyes, well, was tears of joy not of grief.

I've seen her blossomed from a mischievous young tot to a mature and confident woman.
we've fought, wrestled, cried, laughed, shared for all those years, it has never occurred
to me i will lose her to another man, hahaha......

went back home this weekend, the first weekend without sis coming home, the quietness and
stillness seems unbearable, i know mom and dad missed her too, their lil princess.

well you're my lil princess too, will give you all the world if you ask me, warmest blessing
from me, brave it and live your new life to the fullest!

love ya.

loneStaR STatE

been in austin for 2 weeks now, hmmm 2 more to go.

the first few days was unbearable, central america is not much of a fun, couple with the fact that i have no friends here, as compared to bay area.

is a different kind of experience, i will work till 7-8pm almost everyday (unheard of for me while in KL /bay area hehe), drive around to scout for new restaurant which i have not tried, go back to hotel to chat on msn, tune to tbs and watch sex and the city, will& grace and frasier....and will snooze off in no time. the same routine almost everyday, exciting ha.....

perhaps this stillness and serenity is much needed in my life now, give me time to rest, recuperate, recharge and reignite. no party to goto, no new acquaintance, and yes, no sex....my friends keep asking me "met anyone? done anything fun?"... hmmmm guess i'm just lazy and prefer to have fun with myself.

i use to tell people i can be alone and do stuff on my own, they don't believe me. guess i can testify to that now.

well i'm not alone anyway, cos HE is always with me, omnipotent, omnipresent.

cos im standing on solid rock, all other ground is sinking sand, get it dude? :-)

frail

Dr. K took out the stack of x-ray films, he scan it through quickly under the fluorescent lights. It took like 10 minutes, me and my dad were looking at him, anticipating.
"Do you know what is wrong?" dad broke the silence.
"Looks like it has spread everywhere, what prompted you to have the CAT scan?"
"I started having accute pain near the kidney area, consulted the local hospital...."
"I have to consult the senior specialist about the films, give me 10 minutes."

The air in the consultation room seems to freeze, with our heavy thought trapped in it.
"Why is he taking so long, why can't he tells us if it is a tumor or is something else...." this time mom broke the silence, impatiently.

Dr. K returned. This time talking directly to me in english, the previous conversation was in malay as dad do not understand english.
"Well, we're pretty sure it is tumor that has spread to most part of the body, but with the hospital policy, we'll have an x-ray conference to study it further and reconfirm everything."
"What can we do now and future if the result is confirm?"
"You can't do much now, just wait for us to come back to you. If it is confirm later, we can only try to perform chemotherapy, depending on his body's tolerance level, as he is quite aged...."

Dr K. turned to dad, "Don't worry too much now, we will confirm everything in two weeks, if it is as what we expected, we can go on with the chemotherapy, some people manage to last for 4-6 years...."
what a comforting sentence to a patient, I reckon he should be sent for counseling course.

I felt a bit suffocated in the hospital, hurrilly we left the consultation room, dad was walking slowly ahead of us with his walking stick, i suddenly feel burdened, my heart is tied with 1000 ton of weight.

We zig zag through the after hour traffic on a friday afternoon. i tried my best to fill the air with positive and encouraging statements, he seems positive and okay, made small jokes and we laughed about it. mom was as usual worrisome and interjected negativity.

"Let's stop by the hardware store on the way home, i wanna get some parts for the toilet upstair, i wanna get it fixed, it has been procrastinated for so long." dad insisted with enthusiasm and urgency.

I cannot comprehend what went through his mind, he seems unexpectedly calm about the whole situation. he is a man with few words, we were never really close, somehow i feel the urge to undo my relationship with him in the past, i want to start afresh and right what was wrong.
i see the frailty, i see the fragility, i see the hopelessness in his gaze, or maybe i see to much and assume too much.

God can you give us more time, can you do not test us beyond what we could bear?

I was selfish self centered and never really care,

please give me more time,

please ease his pain,

please.

手放开

我望着映幕欣赏他人营造的幸福
似梦如幻的甜蜜缳绕着乏味空间
你对我说你爱上了另一空间的人
横冲直撞惶惶忽忽迷失了真自我
你说有些人你永远不必等不必问
我说爱是雾般时而清新时而短暫
有人寻觅而获狂欢然后知足定然
有人寻觅而失黯然失色封闭沉失
圣杰说感情像候車月台人走人來
得后不定然幸福失后不一定悲凄
世界如此辽阔而能让二人逢相知
何必执執着非要随心所欲的幸福
你说事非如此简然能轻易的放弃
我说事非如此繁杂甭忧甭悲甭怒
既能搭上班车随而相遇相知相交
珍惜赐缘短促生际当享当欢当行

closure

walking through the morning dew, refreshing and exhilarating....the cool breeze embraces us with enthusiastic tribal dance of the forest.

my fist clenched yours and walk silently forward, not a single word, not a single exchange, the communication flow from the warmth of your palm travels through our tight bond, i can almost feel every single strand of your thoughts swimming towards me, i welcome it with childlike anticipation.

the warmth of the sun showered us in its full glory, i wipe the sweat of your forehead, and then our gazes locked, the atmosphere standstill, and smile painted on our faces seems to carry us further into our exploration.

the chill set me to cough violently, i sit straight up on my back. looking franticly for your clenched fist. i can't feel your heartbeat, i can't find your gaze, the air conditioner noisily sending more chill to me, my arms swim aimlessly in the pitch black, and then my tears breakthrough the floodgate, because i realize i have lost it.

我爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人　我以为这就是我所追求的世界　然而横冲直撞被误解被骗
是否成人的世界背后　总有残缺

free.........

i see the morning glory unveils, i see the serenity settles.
you leave your legacy all over the place, your signatures on all living beings.

i walked alone on the street, remembering sweet gesture others have bestowed on us, remembering betrayal others have lay upon us, remembering bitterness that seeped to the soul, remembering courages that propelled us, remembering foolishness that stumbled us, all these intertwined and seems overwhelming but yet there's an unexplainable symphony to it.

i see friends char by unfruitful relationships, i see people wails over lost possessions, i see friends turn on each other's back, i see people hopelessly devoted to idols, i see friends worship monogrammed luxury, i see people stand in awe of grand structures, i see friends losing themselves in woven misery....and worst of all, i see myself in all these.

set us free, let us flee to your eternal embrace. pick us from all these direness, from all these colossus structures that will be turned into worthless rubbles. teach us to see with your eyes, teach us to listen with your wisdom, teach us to touch with your hands, teach us to reach-out with your grace.

teach us to hate with your love, teach us to kill with your healing, teach us to lie with your truth, teach us to weep with your joy.

teach us to be on guard, teach us to reap your abandon harvest.

i see your grace all over, i see your love interleaving the hatreds, i see your hands scoping us up, i see your tears washing away the gray.

i see the omnipotent, i see three person that i admired the most, father, son and holy ghost.

please help us to help others to see.

because it is beautiful.

because it is eternal.

conversation with love...

chimagan: i'm distraught.....

love: what's the matter son?

chimagan: i don't understand people in this world, they raised banner of love so high up, they immersed themselves in cocktails of commercial products of made believe love, they parade in so-called agape love and embraced everyone..... and yet.....when it comes to people closest to them, the attitude and intention is otherwise.

love: is common dear, outwardly shown love is deemed to be more glorifying and satisfying, is the fallen nature of the race, most of the time they do not have a clue of what they are doing, but just for the sake of self gratification. my name is been abused and misused to a pathetic state, i'm just waiting for the creator to right the wrong once and for all....

chimagan: why do people like to chase after the wind, chase after the perishables and at the end of the day, they will go back home to search through their deep hollow, and can't seems to find you...

love: shift your focus, don't fret, don't worry about what others do or do not, it is not important. i know you are hurt, hurled, confused and tired, take refuge in the solid rock, the rock that will never shake, place your confident on the right place. do not be a hypocrite to criticise others while you repeat the same mistake, embrace them and change them, bring yourself up to a higher level.

chimagan: is so hard....

love: is a journey, everyone is learning. don't compete with the world and raise your expectation. humble yourself and start with your closest ones, your family. you have to understand the meaning of unconditional, i never promise it will be easy, but you have to unload your burden and stop thinking you could carry it all, you have to share what seems to be unshareable, you have to give what seems to be ungiveable, you have to forgive what seems to be unforgiveable.


chimagan: i will keep walking the journey and reach for the light at the end of the tunnel.

等

我将思 念小心翼翼的包裹,
将层层迭迭的失措涂上,
然后战战兢兢的投寄于你心底的一池湖水,
涟漪泛起时可有唤醒你的思绪,
踏出虚拟枷锁是否过于的沉重,
人们将逃避涂绘太多华丽的借口,
然后昏昏沌沌的飘浮于海市蜃楼,
然后不停的提醒自己一切是天诀,
如过窗外轻风飏飏的遞来希冀,
你是否会去浸受,
或者你只是想远远的离开我心中,
那片绮丽的青葱,
醒来吧,
好吗?

给阿母的一封信

阿母, 辛苦了吧, 这么多年, 你还是孳孳不倦的倾注无止境的溺爱. 少年时的无知往往让步我们错失严母疾言厉色背后的心疼和期望. 你的唠叨往往成为我们叛逆的借口, 青稚的心态只懂得寻求自我享欲, 完全无发理会你的出发点, 完全不去体会你的感受, 我们只懂得所谓青春的权力. 还记得居住于国外日子时, 心里才慢慢的眷恋似是无止的唠叨. 也许人最大的缺点是不知足, 必须等到失去了才能懂得珍惜. 每当回国过节时, 你的心情像似约会久违亲爱的人, 欢欣无发压抑. 有太多的事必须向你学习. 你忘我的付出, 你咬紧牙根的耕耘, 你无休止的呵昈. 你自愿的担架千斤重的儿女债, 可有还清的日子? 世上所谓轰轰烈烈, 至死不逾的情爱, 可否与你所付出的比较, 我想还不及十份一吧? 阿母, 谢谢你 阿母, 我爱你.

ask and you will receive

always thought if you treat someone nice, you will be reciprocated. i have come this far in life, and yet to grasp the true meaning of giving and not expecting a return. i thought it is a very natural expectation as a normal human being, but rather i've learnt it is sometimes otherwise.

there are people who will pour their heart and soul out to help and cherish their love ones, and there are others who will reserve and constraint themselves, i suppose i belong to the former group, always hopelessly devoted once i'm in it.

i guess when you have too much of something you just don't know how to appreciate and cherish it, and take the other party for granted, and often deems the giver's frustration as childish and uncalled for....

sounds like a grumpy old man huh :-) well decided to let it go let it all go, not for the bad side, but rather asking myself not to be overly concerned with unnecessary emotion that i often brought upon myself. be myself and give as much as i want, with or without returns i will still give and move on, life is short and fragile, it is too much hassle to put a emotion price tag to every single thing you give.

do you not agree?

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:8)

april sonata

month of april seems to be my favourite month, that's when you'll experience the full autuum glory in melbourne, that's when our saviour resurrected and testified salvation to the world, and that's when a love conception happened that brought me to this mortal world.

i used to feel depressed when i crossed the 30's benchmark, fretting that all the full glory of my youth is fading away and i will wither like the autuum leaves..... it actually took me months to overcome the depression, silly huh?

as i walked pass the days and looked back, is not all together bad, no one promised us an immaculate life, no one will bestow you with bed of roses everyday. hence i've learnt to cherish moments of life, being good or bad. i've learnt to be content with my possesions, although temptations have such a stronghold, but we'll get by, so long as we constantly and conciously strive to achieve mental and spiritual maturity.

so this is not just another april, but this is yet another april that i will rejoice and cherish, because i was placed at where i am for a purpose, without it, the jigsaw puzzle will be ruined.